My Darling Daughter,
It’s been ages since the last time I tried talking to you. I know I haven’t been a great mother but I need you to know that I love you. I really do; even if you don’t believe. I want you to trust me on this, please!
Although you are aware that we won’t be able to meet again, I need you to know that I have missed you in all my days and nights. I wish you were here. Had you been around, I would have sat with you in the lawn on the new white chairs that, your Grandpa and I bought last week only, sipping hot cream cappuccino. I believe you too love the crisp aroma of the spring out in the gardens. I believe that you love holding a book in your hand strolling down the lane alone, lost in the world of fantasies. Thrilled by the thrillers; mystified by the mysteries! Sometimes, imagining and wondering about you and your interests, I like to tell myself that I know you well. You are my daughter. Even when you grow old, I would still be able to guess your choices.
I secretly got a sweater for you. Multicolored & checks! I thought I would show it to you when we happen to meet. But now that, unfortunately, I have accepted the bitter reality, I see no hope of gifting it to you on your 4th birthday. It will go perfectly well along your stature with your elegance and grace complimenting it. Smile darling. Why do I sense this wetness over the letter? Don’t let those precious pearls weep out of your twinkling eyes, ok? Hey, listen to me sweetheart, we are all good. Don’t be scared; don’t be sad. I miss you too; a lot! But being sad won’t help. It will only make us feel desolated and alone some more. So cheer up that we are talking. Cheer up that at least we can talk… here.
I know times are hard. Harder for me. I long to see you so badly; to hug you; to take you in my arms and make you sleep; to tell you stories; to listen to your dreams; to take care of you; to watch you grow up and achieve all your set goals. You are an adorable daughter, you know? Thinking of you, I feel so proud. But then the very next moment the guilt and regret cobwebs me away. I wish I could have done something, ANYTHING, for you. I am sorry Daughter. I would never want you to hate me. Never!
I am one of the most lamentable mothers in the world. I wonder if I could have ever been a good mother had you been here; I wonder if you would have called me Maa or Mom or Mummy; I wonder if I could have ever been your best friend! Sometimes I weep! I miss your Dad too. I haven’t seen him around lately. Well, not like he would show up with a smile and say Hi but still I like looking at him. Stealthily I stand behind a tree or wall or some random person, watching him talk to his friends, enjoying and moving ahead in life. I am happy for him. But I still wish we were together. Then, you too wouldn’t have to leave.
Angel, at times, when the night crawls in, I draw sketches of you. If ever, miraculously, we meet, I’d say, “You want to have a look at it? Well, then you give me a million dollar smile and I’ll show you the sketch, deal? Ah! That’s exactly the smile, I wanted to see!”
You’d chuckle away and picking you up in my arms, I’d be the luckiest person in world. Holding you; letting you know that I love you.
Whenever I look at those sketches, I pause at your eyes. They are lovely. Deep. Full of dreams and questions. Questions about us. They never stop asking no matter how much I try to ignore. Stop asking baby. For, my heart and mind and body now lack the strength to bear the sorrows that accompany the thought of how we parted.
I remember the day I told your father that I was pregnant; I had you in my womb; he didn’t react the way I expected. I thought he would panic, he would be terrified but at the same time I expected him to be happy. But what I saw on his face was so different. Calm and Carefree. He smiled at me like nothing had happened and he came close only to whisper in my ears, “It’s okay. We’ll get rid of this trouble.”
What he said, set me aback. I looked at him with tears in my eyes.
Trouble! I thought we were in love. I thought he would be scared or happy. He was so cool about this like nothing had happened. That was not a trouble for me; you were a part of me… and his too. You still are!
I wanted you to come into this world. Four years of relationship with your Dad ended up at you. He left and never came back. I tried convincing him. I thought making it legal couldn’t have been much difficult as both of us were adults yet so young. Your father never agreed. He wanted to ‘get rid of the trouble’. Get rid of our love. Get rid of you. You were the only token of his love that remained with me. I wanted to give birth to you.
That moment, that particular moment, I needed your Dad so much. I felt like all my dreams came crashing through the skies and got buried deep down the Earth. The courage with which I had decided to bring you into this world disappeared in a second as soon as your Dad walked out. I was so scared to go to your Grandpa. He might be a strong man but he isn’t that bold at heart. My one moment of truth could have been his weakest moment; a moment in which he would have collapsed then and there. I wished to be close to my mother then. I missed her. Don’t you miss me sometimes? I haven’t been close to you much physically but then, I am still your Mother!
Daughter, I am really sorry that I am not there to make you good food; to be on other end over a call you might want to make everyday telling me about how your day went off; to suggest you over a few fashion blunders; to take you to shopping; to give those emotional blackmails that the other mothers do to their kids; to find your stuff in the heavenly mess you might make in your room; to share your secrets; to listen to your stories about love… Everything.
I am sorry Angel that I didn’t have the courage to tell your Grandpa about you. I am sorry that I feared losing him to death. I am sorry that I went to that hospital. I am really sorry that I got you aborted…
I pray to God to send me back in time, right now so I can mend things; have you for me. It’s getting so difficult day by day to move ahead with time, giving your Grandpa daily new excuses about why I don’t think I should marry. Today, I want you to learn something from your Mother…
There is a huge world out here far from the heavenly world you live in, where you see hundreds of new people every day. But remember, none of them would be there standing beside you in the long run except for one person and that is your braver reflection. Don’t be alarmed if it takes you along. Hold its hand and move ahead. It can see what you see; it knows what you know.
Never give up on your faiths, beliefs and also never ever give up on Hope. Learn to be strong but don’t be cold. Learn to be forward but don’t be blunt. In the long run of life, you have to walk alone. Believe in love. But don’t be in love blindly. Never forget people but learn to forgive people. I have forgiven your Dad. And now I want you to forgive me.
I want you to know that even the images of you that I have in my mind, make me so proud of you watching you in dreams. I can’t see you but I feel you close in every passing moment. If there could be anything to bring you back, I would have done that. You are missed honey! And you are loved!
The day I lost you, I made a promise that someday- one day, with all courage gathered, I will get you back! I promise you, I will… Just let me find the perfect daddy for you. There’s a lot I wish I could say to you had you been here. But somehow I find myself here, all alone, running out of words to say. My tears and silence are my songs to you. Be brave. Stand dignified. Never lose hope because ‘Hopelessness is a Sin’! Take care.
By God’s Grace